Of tiny little toes and fingers

I was out grocery shopping today when i saw this man with a baby. Nothing exceptional about it, except that this man was a heavy built, bald headed guy with both his arms covered with tattoos. While this baby like all babies looked extremely sweet and innocent. The visual contrast was just too amazing!

I have often wondered what kind of mother will i make, that is if i ever become one in the first place. I am not particularly the motherly kind and somehow i have never visualised myself as a mother, i don't know why. Maybe it's the rebellious streak in me which abhors the general notion that fulfillment as a woman and motherhood are tied together. I sometimes feel like comforting women who are unhappy at not being mothers. I know i can perhaps never understand their pain, but i feel like telling them that's not all that makes a woman complete. That's not the end of the world. There are so many other ways to feel complete, its more important to feel complete as a person without the tags of motherhood, daughterhood, sisterhood or wifehood attached to us. Many a times, motherhood is a pressure thrust upon women by the society. Especially a society like ours. It's seen as a natural progression to marriage. And i detest this attitude! I can be happy without being a mother. I certainly will not have a child because everyone else expects that from me, or to save my relationship or for that matter bind my partner to me. My reasons for giving birth will be very different from these. Then again that's the rebellious in me speaking.

But the strange thing is, i get along really well with babies. Most of them take an instant liking to me. I guess i come across as very non-threatening! Stranger still, I have been told that i will make a good mother. Possibly because i have a lot of patience. I am not sure what that means though - being a good mother. Or what all being a good mother entails. But what i love most about babies, is knitting cute little booties, caps, ponchos for them. All the babies in the family and of friends have had one of those from me. I totally love that. And this is perhaps the closest i have come to the conventional notions of motherhood!

And then i think what if i actually end up being a mother. What would i want, a boy or a girl? I guess i would want a boy first. A skinny little boy with sparkling eyes and tons of energy! A son for the dad. To bond as men. On shaving techniques, beer binges, girls, what's cool and what's not and all other guy things. Things that i don't even know about.

Then i would want a girl for myself :-) And she will be my friend. We will bond like only women can. I'll start her with fairy tales and move on to good literature as she grows up. But somewhere in between i'll give her 'Mills & Boons' to read. Call me shallow if you want, but romance is the life blood. I'll tell her about the birds and the bees. We'll talk about men and boyfriends, just as the son and dad will talk about girls and more girls. I'll tell her all about my crushes and my heartbreaks. We'll talk fashion, art, movies, music, what's hot and what's not...everything under the sun. But most of all, i will ask her to be herself, believe in herself. I will tell her there's nothing more attractive than confidence and nothing more beautiful than compassion.

And in the midst of all this i will teach them the importance of hard work and money. That things don't come easy in life. That you have to work hard and earn everything and then work hard to maintain everything. I will never stop them from dreaming. Never ask them to paint the apple red...they can paint it anything they like. It's their dream, their apple. All this is easier said than done, and maybe too idealistic and simplified...but this is how i feel at this point. Honestly.

Somewhere down the line we will falter, make huge mistakes only to get up and start again like we do with everything else in life. I am also aware that they will eventually drift away, find their own place in this world. And i will not stop them, for i have done the same. Besides this is one relationship you can never float too far away from. I don't know how good a mother i will be. I will start as a friend...