Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Its raining and i like what i see from the slit of the curtains. The tv though drowns the pitter-patter which i love so much.

I feel exhausted. Work has been hectic and i think i am coming down with flu... all i want to do now is take a break; a few days off and relax at home, read some, and do nothing... else...

Life will change early next year and that change needs lots of preparation. So much to do. Ma had angioplasty operation; her artery was blocked. And I thought i was going to lose her. I fear losing people i love the most... more than anything else i think. Losing in terms of death. I am scared of dying... the strange thing is, i always think of myself and my memories in "eternal" terms, so every time the thought of dying crosses my mind, it startles me... i ponder on the futility of all struggles and success, of conflict and harmony... what does anything mean when the eventuality is a dead-end? Anyways, i think its the weakness and headache speaking...

I sometimes read Amitabh Bachchan and Aamir Khan's blog. Aamir's blog is always an interesting read but what surprises me is ABs command over the language. He writes so well... i always liked the way he speaks... his diction and pronunciation. But i had no clue he could write so much and so well...

And since its raining outside, and i am overwhelmed and exhausted and creativity and languid moments seem to be a thing of past, i shall reproduce something that i had written almost 2 yrs back. Perhaps, sadness/ solitude and creativity go hand in hand? Such a dilemma... since happiness is infectious too!

i fold the rain in layers
run fingers over it
smoothen the naughty running scattered creases
put them to sleep
hang it on the window sill
and wait for the wind to fan it dry
starch it stiff

i sit by the window sill
the folded rain drips and drops
dripping wet still
soaking the window sill
and I wait for the wind to arrive

while i wait, knee to chin
i gaze at the moon, frowning
bumpy with rashes, itchy and scowling
i reach one arm out
scratch the itchy armless moon
scratchy itchy armless harmless moon
i scratch it, soothe it, pat its bald head
soothed and calmed
the moon breaks into a grin
i grin back, knee to chin

i look out the window
still grinning, knee to chin
and i notice the green
the sappy, happy, mossy, grinning green
banana leaf green

i reach one arm out
scratch the green
scratch a mossy green patch clean
fingertips green, fingernails green
the green travels up my limbs
gnarly green veins
the wispy cotton dress turns green
eyes turn a sappy happy mossy green
i turn into a jungle queen!

and i wait by the window sill
the rain drips and drops, still
wetting the window sill
flooding the ground beneath

i look down and gaze astonished
as the ground below turns and twists
and The brown below struggles to turn blue
or is it blue that's trying to break free?!
boiling, gurgling, erupting
swirling, unfurling, wild blue
i watch stupefied, wide-eyed
as the ocean twists its limbs
roars and breaks free

still gazing at the blue
i roll a green lizard tongue out
in a flash i stick it out
slurp some blue, gulp it down
and lick my lips clean
this blue is a wine
a cherry red wine
a cherry red blue wine
that tastes just fine!

and i the jungle queen
sit by the window sill, still
slurping on my blue wine
grinning at the grinning moon
and i wait for the wind to arrive
to fan the dripping rain dry

good night my giant and everyone else :)