confused

A new perspective of life is what i experienced recently.

I have never been big on kids. "I love kids... when they are someone else's" That's me... for as long as i can remember. My independence and the notion of "so many things to do and so little time" has been there with me forever. I always thought kids would take away my dreams and independence from me. A rather selfish view i agree but not untrue either.

I have not been this close to kids or a life that involves children day-in and day-out for so long that any memory of the same has been tucked away amongst cob-webs. So these few days with my cousin and her family was a strange experience. On one hand i saw how restricted and chock-a-block life had become for the two of them (cousin and her husband). It was a dramatically different life from what i remembered they lived earlier. On the other hand, i felt perhaps their life was very fulfilling. Their love of the kids perhaps made them better people? I have read/ heard about this earlier... that many a times people become better human beings when they have children, because you don't want your children to witness the bad in you... somewhere the "honorable and honour and being good" comes into play? I dont know...

This past week left me feeling exhausted and it also left me feeling warm and happy. I can only imagine the exhaustion my cousin and her husband experience every day, but i had grown attached to the kids so much that by the time it was time for them to bid goodbyes, i did not want them to leave. What i saw and felt left me a little confused about my own feelings; i started thinking of kids of my own (gulp!) something that i had never thought of before with much seriousness and feeling, and what that would do to our life together; perhaps we will have a deeper meaning to life, an unselfish reason to live; perhaps it will complete our family? i dont know.... i am confused...