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September. A month of closures. The door opens to something new and beautiful. Something new yet so close... as if i have known it for ever...


i am building the walls again
but..

what if the cracks revisit
and the black slithers in
unnoticed...

what if someone sneaks in
unnoticed...
and takes my treasure away

what if you invite the intruder...

what if the walls are imaginary
and my home exists in my mind
while you breathe in open air
would you lay the bricks with me

what if you build a home
different from mine...


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Alcohol has seeped in and random thoughts sweep in.

September was a month of closures. A couple of years back, this was something i dreaded.. and strangely enough a couple of years later the closure has brought immense relief. Because life is beautiful.
And thats all thanks to you.. :)

Yet, at times doubts knock at the door and i take a step back... i don want this to be an illusion yet again. Please let this be right... let this be forever... let me be the "little one" forever. Forevers... yet again... I dont know who i plead to. Cant be god because i dont believe in one. Certainly not in the conventional sense..

That brings me to something, i was back at home a couple of weeks back and everytime i am at home, i am amazed at the devoutness of my parents and others like them. How did i turn out to be a non-believer while my parents have immense faith in god and the justice that the all encompassing force delivers, despite the blows life has dished out to them. And when justice is not done, the fault must lie either with the deeds of previous birth or all will be taken care of in the next one.

Sometimes i think my parents and their likes who believe in cosmic justice have held onto their innocence, while i lost it along the way. I am without a religion or faith... yet i dont label myself an atheist.... maybe nature is that god that i can attempt to believe in. But then there is no justice in nature... theres just survival.

I was watching something on TV the other day which showed how monkeys (apes? i dont exactly remember)/ animals in general figure out what to do to take care of their health. They self medicate and know what to do when they fall ill. So how do they do it without possession of human intelligence or the knowhow of science and medicine? So there... nature is survival... not justice.

Then again, last night while flipping through channels, i chanced upon this discussion on the other world... the world of spirits and paranormal. I hate horror films... any horror film that i have watched has been through the gaps between my palms, slits between my eyelids or behind magazines. The idea of the other world is uneasy for me. I like the clinical option... that you die and thats the end... its clean, there is no confusion, no hanging around the seams. But then what about the paranormal incidents that people have experienced. While i write this, i realise how far i have come from the person i was in younger years. Having been brought up on a regular diet of bengali ethos sprinkled with seasonings of Durga puja, Kali puja etc... i am very far away from that world. I dont know if its a good thing or bad. But i cringe at the thought of regionalism/fanaticism/caste ism or any other pigeon hole. To me, i am my own person first and foremost...everything else that defines me... my language, the religion i was born in, the caste system that i so detest, does not exist in my world. I have my own rules and beliefs and everyone is an individual to me, shorn of these artificial embellishments... And thats the alcohol speaking... :)

I haven't written in such a long time that, there is a deluge of feelings and thoughts spilling over. Thankfully, much of it will be wiped out before staining this space... I want it to rain, it hasn't rained for what it seems a long while... perhaps becasue it has been so hot past few days.

Its late... i think i will pour myself some more Black label, indulge in some Pink Floyd and then hit the bed.

Have a wonderful, beautiful, lovable, huggable, silly, hilarious, productive, lazy, happy, spicy, sweet, delicious... nevermind... have a rocking weekend! :-)